Why Is Their Alcoholic Aging Mom Still Driving?

For families with an elder who abuses alcohol, fear is nothing new. Sometimes the issue of alcohol abuse is so extreme, it boggles the mind that family has not taken action to protect the aging parent, and the public. Driving is a prime issue.

Real Case Study

In a family of two adult children and two aging parents we counseled at AgingParents.com, we heard a terrifying account of what was happening. Aging Mom (AM) had been abusing alcohol for many years. She had already had two drunk driving arrests. For reasons unknown, she had gotten her driver’s license back. She had tried a sobriety program, but she confessed that she really didn’t want to stick with that. Her spouse and others simply let her keep driving, taking no steps with her doctors nor with any legal strategies to stop her.

Denial

We questioned her aging husband (AH) as to what he planned to do, given that she could drive anywhere she wanted and would very probably drive while intoxicated again. “I guess I’m in denial”, he replied. We asked the adult children if they had any plan to ensure their mother’s safety as well as that of everyone on the road. They shrugged. “We don’t exactly know what we can do”, they said.

The First Option-Take Action!

As they reported, their mother also has “some pretty serious memory loss” and can’t figure out how to do things with her cell phone. We asked what they thought would happen if they took the keys away. They replied that she would not be able to figure out how to get new keys. We recommended that they immediately get the keys to the car and remove the car. They could arrange for driving services to get her to the doctor or other necessary appointments. That step alone could save AM’s life and the lives of anyone she might hit while driving intoxicated. It is not clear why no one did this before the consultation they had with us. How far into denial can one go?

The Second Option-Legal Action

AM has what the family reports as multiple abusive outbursts, false accusations of wrongdoing by anyone around her and a stream of verbally ugly texts and emails to everyone in the family. We asked if anyone had legal documents giving any family member authority over her finances or healthcare. AH reported that the family home had burned in a wildfire some years before and they had lost the estate planning documents, including Power of Attorney, and Healthcare Directive. They hadn’t gotten around to replacing them. At that moment, no one had any legal authority to do anything, they said.

We discussed the option of guardianship. Every state has its own requirements. However, in every state, when sufficient evidence is presented to the judge that a person is clearly a serious danger to oneself or others, it is more likely that the court will order guardianship (called conservatorship in CA). Had anyone considered this? Yes, they had thought about it, the family said. Had anyone consulted an attorney to find out more? No.

Advice Given

Besides suggesting that the family get the keys and car away from AM immediately, we urged them to find a guardianship attorney immediately as well. We spelled out how to collect the necessary documentation to support the request to a court for guardianship, how to find a physician or mental health provider to assist them, and how to decide on a guardian. AH would likely not be suitable for the job! He was still in denial as to the seriousness of the situation. The fact that AM would be enraged over any of this should not stop any family member.

The Conclusions

Here at AgingParents.com, we are an RN-Attorney, geriatric psychologist team. We have heard a lot of stories over the last 15 years of consulting with families of all kinds in all locations. This one, however, is among the most terrifying we have heard. A person with “serious memory problems”, by that measure alone, should absolutely not be driving. Combine that with years of alcohol abuse, two prior drunk driving arrests and a high likelihood of continued alcohol abuse and it is life-threatening. Anytime AM gets behind the wheel she endangers herself and anyone on the road. There is no doubt about this and no room for denial. It was frankly stunning to hear how far things had gotten for this family before one of the adult children tentatively sought advice. We can only hope they will take the recommended action.

Here Is What Families of Alcoholics Should Know

Any alcoholic behind the wheel is potentially life threatening, even for short distances. Alcohol can turn a car into a lethal weapon. If your elder abuses alcohol, do what the law in their state allow so you can stop them before someone dies.

1. Loss of or lack of legal authority with a Durable Power of Attorney should not stop concerned family from taking legal action against a dangerous elder who can’t use reason any longer. Find out about guardianship and do what is needed.
2. Laws in every state are designed to keep the public safe. Use them. Get competent legal advice so you can make reasonable decisions. If it upsets the already angry substance abuser, so be it. Find courage in the face of this unpleasant path. You will not regret moving forward. You may well regret not doing so.